Log in

No account? Create an account

It's been some time, hasn't it?

I don't know if I'm angry or sad or unsurprised or let down. I graduate from college on May 14, a date I've made known to EVERYONE. I'm having a party at my house and bunches of people are invited and it's going to be a good time. Some people are even actually coming to at commencement ceremony at 9AM on a Saturday. People are super proud of me. My grad gift from my grandparents is my class ring, which is totally beautiful. I even bought myself a really cute dress, and for those who know me understands how many dresses I own [see: none]. Everything is perfect and awesome. It's going to be one of the most important and proud days of my entire life.


Andy, the man I've spent the last 5 or so years of my life with isn't going. Sure, he'll go to the party and whatever, but after work. He's known about this day since I found out and I pestered him to make sure he'd be off work in order to make sure that he'd be there. But alas. His assistant manager's last day at the branch is that Saturday and he, being third in charge, has to be there to take her keys and whatnot so he can do her duties until they can find a replacement. Of course it is. It always is. No matter how important a day is to me, he never makes it. He's never there. I go out of my way to make sure he's happy and that I'm always there for all the stupid things he needs to go to, like Christmas parties, going-away parties, birthday parties, parties in general. I even went to his sister's quince. But when I have something he should go to? Never. I cannot think of one time. Never a holiday or an anniversary. Nothing. Sure, a birthday, but always after work and he mostly camps out in my room anyhow because he can't interact with normal people. I mean, he can, but he won't . I don't know what his problem is, not really, but I told him he needs to try harder because I like being a social person and if we're going to work out, he needs to stop being such a stick in the mud.

But I digress.

Back to the point. He's not coming. He's not going to see me walk across the stage in a cap and gown. Again. What? Again, you ask? Yep, he even worked through his, meaning also my, high school graduation. We even had to wait for him to get home from work to attend his own grad party at his own house. With all his relatives and whatnot. It's okay for me to interact and mingle with his family, who often do speak in English. Granted, some stories they ask to be translated for my benefit because, well, they're funny. That's all alright but when I have family things or they just happen to be there, he's either not there at all or he's hiding out in my bedroom. It's so unfair it makes me sick.

Not only this, but the last few days I've been starving for attention. I've been part of a nerdy podcast lately called NerdSense and we've released one demo episode and two full-length episodes and I feel like no one gives a crap. Maybe I just don't know how to market. People aren't listening. Why would they? I'm rude, offensive, and incredibly politically incorrect. And Bryan, well, no one really likes him. Well, I do, but he can be trying on the nerves and irritating, but so can everyone. We get along really well. But our podcasting internet friends don't like us. I know they don't. You don't talk about things you don't like, generally. I'm not even going to mention them anymore. It's not like they appreciate it. No one does. I guess it'll just have to be one of those things I do for myself. Fuck everyone else. I guess.

I'm just... upset. About everything. And I have no one to talk to. Or rather, no one will talk to me. I just want attention. Not from Andy though. I'm angry with him. I want all this attention but at the same time, I want to be left alone. It just doesn't make any sense. Nothing makes sense. I need to find a real job soon since my job now is based on me being in school. I don't know how to get a real job but at least I have experience this time.

But basically I don't know if I want to cry or punching things or both. I have work to do now; I have a paper to write tomorrow.


Sick of being tired, tired of being sick

I don't want to have to wait for him to grow up.

I know what I want and what I need.

He needs to let me be who I am or things are going to end. Badly.

I don't know what to do. I can't ask for help because no one can know how I feel and know what I want and need.

No one can help. It's frustrating. I won't, can't, be controlled. And the harder he tries, the further away I'm going to push him.

This isn't a plea for help or advice. Just getting things off of my chest. He frustrates me.

There's no incentive for being up-front if all I'm met with is resistance. Why would I want to make things difficult for myself?

Honestly, it doesn't make any sense. I'm sorry if i forget things, or put things off. I'm not perfect. Never have been. Never claimed to be.

I hate that you hate what  I love. And are so damned emphatic about how stupid it is to like something. Fuck off. Basically. That goes to everyone.

So I'm a Twilight fangirl and I think Rob Pattinson might be one of the hottest men on the planet. I don't care if you think I'm stupid.

I've been put down and made to feel inferior my whole life. I don't like it anymore now than I did then.

I like what I like and you can all fuck yourselves. Basically.

I'm going. Got things to do.

Givin' her all she's got

First LJ entry ever.  Yes, I am that bored at work. It's like permanent Friday here. Summer school isn't all it's cracked up to be.

My stomach hurts. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. And it makes my stomach hurt.
I'm reading The Bell Jar right now and it's silly how much I relate to Esther. She thinks up an idea of what to do with her life, contemplates it momentarily, and then gives it up for one reason or another. She compared it to a tree and each branch is an possible future, but once she picks one she can't get to the other ones. That's not the case for me. I can do whatever I want until I die. I just don't know anymore. For a week I wanted to be an elementary school teacher. I still think it's doable, I just don't want to do it right this very second. I think my problem is that I don't think I'll be good enough for whatever job I get. I've no marketable skills and I'm not particularly extremely good at anything. I'm...average. Or maybe I am great and just can't see it.

I'm standing in my own way.
And Andy is there too.

I love him but sometimes I truly don't think it's going to last. Sometime he's just not the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Sometimes, how he acts, he's not what I want at all. I wish he was better. I wish I was better too, but I wish he was better. I want what I think I deserve, and how he treats me sometimes, I feel isn't what I deserve. I don't know.

My stomach hurts. It's a monthly type of hurt, but not all the time. I get the worst aches when I'm anxious and nervous and scared and worried, and I get like that alot. Too often for comfort.

I feel my future slipping away sometimes. But I'm going to grab it and get things going. I'm tired of relying on others for progression into adulthood. Saturday, I'm getting my driver's permit and I'm going to learn how to drive. I hope to get my license as soon as possible. It will make me feel more grown up. And less of a failure.
Then I can see Andy whenever I can and want to. And also, vindictively, I want to show Ashley how to do freeways, since she's been driving for ages and STILL finds herself incapable. She could have been a real godsend the night of Alma's party, but she failed. That's the only way to put it, and I don't think I'll ever forget it. She could have helped me so immensely and it would have meant a great deal, but she failed.

I'm going home in an hour. I cannot wait until I'll be able to drive myself. I hate perpetually inconveniencing my grandparents. I hate being a burden.

Maybe I want to write for a living. I'm just not very creative. At least that's what I think. I want something new and awesome and exciting. I'm not expecting much. I just want what I want.



Latest Month

April 2011


RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow